Traveling alone is so much fun and empowering most of the time. Going on solo adventures provides you with endless opportunities for spontaneity and meeting new people. There is such an exciting flow to traveling by yourself that is hard to capture when you are in a group or even with a buddy.
But then there are those times when you feel homesick or get that hard-to-articulate lonely feeling. I’ve noticed that this happens to me especially after parting ways with new friends. After reading many travel blogs of other solo female travelers, I have come to realize that this is completely normal.
It doesn’t mean that you are doing it wrong. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t cut out for solo traveling. It really doesn’t mean anything at all other than: humans get lonely sometimes.
These are some of the ways I have learned how to deal with ‘that lonely feeling’:
FEEL THE FEELINGS
What I have learned through my meditation practice and the mindfulness literature is that it is ok to sit with discomfort. This is not easy and it is not what we are normally trained to do in society, but it is one of the best ways I have found to dissolve the pain entirely.
Don’t run from your pain. Don’t try to numb it- with alcohol, drugs, shopping or whatever your vice is. Just notice it.
Where does it hurt in your body- is it in your chest? Your stomach? What does it feel like? A tightness? A punch in the gut? Try to simply notice it and pay attention to the physical sensations that you are feeling. This can help get you out of your head and into your body.
Feeling the physical sensations also helps ground you into the present moment and gives you a task to focus on which is helpful- even if that task is bringing you further into your pain.
In situations like these, there is a passage from “The Untethered Soul” by Michael Singer that fills me with peace.
“You must look inside yourself and from now on determine that pain is not a problem- it is just a thing in the universe, its just a temporary experience. Most people can hardly imagine what it would be like to be at peace with inner disturbance, but if you do not learn to be comfortable with it- you will dedicate your life to avoiding it.
If you feel insecurity, its just a feeling. You can handle a feeling. If you feel embarrassed, its just a feeling- a part of creation. If you feel jealousy and your heart burns, look at it objectively- like you would a mild bruise. It is a thing in the universe that is passing through your system.
When you feel pain- simply view it as energy. Just start seeing the inner experiences as energy passing through your heart and before the eyes of your consciousness. Then relax.
Do the opposite of contracting and closing. Relax and release. Relax your heart until you are actually face to face with the exact place where it hurts. Stay open and receptive so you can be present right where the tension is.
You must be able to be present right at the place of tightness and pain and then relax and go even deeper. This is very deep growth and transformation.
Every single time you relax and release, a piece of the pain leaves forever. And every time you resist and close, you are building up the pain inside. “
JOURNAL
When you are feeling a painful emotion- it is because of the negative thoughts playing on loop in your mind. I find it very helpful to write out all of those negative thoughts- get them out of my head and onto a piece of paper. This way I can look at them more objectively.
Sometimes I am not even aware of the negative stories that are swirling around in my head until I take a moment to capture them and write them down. I usually find myself reading over what I just wrote thinking “well…no wonder I am feeling so crummy”. It can be quite shocking how vicious the voices in your head are at times.
On my most recent trip to Utah, I had a very intense bout of loneliness while I was in Moab. I didn’t quite know what to do with myself. I ended up driving into Arches National Park and pulling into one of the scenic viewpoints. I then preceded to sit on top of my camper van journaling and crying as I watched the sunset.
Everyone driving by probably thought I was nuts. I thought I was nuts. But the whole experience was so cathartic I immediately felt relief.
REACH OUT TO A LOVED ONE
Usually the feeling of loneliness is a signal that you are in need of connection. It is similar to how hunger is a signal that you need to eat and thirst is a signal that you need to hydrate.
The most logical thing to do then is listen to this signal and reach out to a friend. We are lucky enough to live in a world where we are usually just a phone call, text message or face-time session away from the people we love and care about most.
Pick up the phone and reach out to one of these people in your life. It is guaranteed to give you a much needed morale boost.
When I was experiencing my little ‘Moab Meltdown” – I felt better after my catharsis at arches, but still had a slight pang of loneliness. I called one of my friends in Pittsburgh and just having a conversation with someone who knew me and cared about me improved my mood.
If you are in a different time-zone or in a remote place without service- pick up a postcard or write a letter to someone you care about. This will still give you a small boost of connection to someone familiar even if they can’t reciprocate at the moment.
REACH OUT TO SOMEONE NEW
Sometimes, nothing can replace a real-life, in-person interaction. The problem is when you are feeling low- it can seem daunting to interact with other humans.
When I was at Zion National Park, I hit a bit of a low after saying goodbye to all of my new friends from Angel’s Landing. As I wandered towards the bathrooms at my campsite I spontaneously walked up to a group who had these amazing tricked-out campervans. Without thinking, I just told them how much I loved their vans.
This ended up leading to a 20 minutes conversation about all the places we were each going on our respective road trips. Talking to these friendly souls even for a short period of time, did a number to lift my spirits.
There are many non-threatening ways to have small conversations and uplifting interactions on the road. Anyone in the service industry is basically being paid to interact with you- so that is an easy place to start. Ask your waiter or bartender about their favorite things to do in the area.
If you are in a coffee shop, ask someone next to you what the wifi password is. If you are hiking, or walking around a city- ask someone for directions to your next location- who knows, maybe they are going that way too!
SEEK FAMILIARITY
One of the reasons I love travel is the excitement I feel each time I see a new place. There is something about setting foot in a new city or on a new hiking trail that overflows with possibility.
But sometimes all that newness is overwhelming and instead of exciting it starts to feel foreign and exhausting. Sometimes I wish there was someone with me to share all of these fun new experiences. Sometimes those moments feel like loneliness, but they are really more a homesickness . It is in those moments I have noticed that I crave familiarity.
I remember distinctly when this happened during my 4th year of medical school. I was deep in the interview trail in New Haven, CT walking around an art museum on Yale’s campus when a wave of homesickness rushed over me.
Yale was the second interview on a stretch of 4 interviews in a row and I wasn’t going home anytime soon. I was meeting dozens of new people every day, plastering on a smile and mustering up nauseating small talk. I was also really pushing myself to explore the sites of each new city.
However, on that day- it was all just too much. I left the museum full of renowned artwork and sought haven in a Panera bread. I ordered my favorite drink and just sat there in the comfiest booth I could find sipping my caramel macchiato until it was time for the interview dinner.
And it worked. I was on sensory overload from all the new people and new places and what I needed was an old standby.
So next time that lonely feeling hits you- try to counter it by actively seeking out something that seems comforting to you. Go to the closest Starbucks, hit up a McDonalds. Pull up Netflix and watch re-runs of your favorite TV shows. Listen to your favorite songs or podcast episodes. Reach for what feels good to you.
Lastly, just know that it will pass. Sometimes people feel lonely. Whether they are traveling or at home. Whether they are surrounded by people or solo backpacking through a desert.
Its ok to have an off day. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you and it is not going to last forever. Just take a deep breath. It is going to be ok.
What advice do you have for beating the solo-travel blues? What types of things help you feel better when you are in a funk on the road? I’d love to hear your thoughts and wisdom.
What a very honest and open post! I’m sure a lot of us solo travellers know what it can feel like to hit that wall of loneliness on our travels, so it’s nice to know I’m not alone in these feelings. I didn’t even realise that I had used some of these tactics in the past, and now have more to keep in mind for next time :). Looking forward to reading more :D.
Thanks girl! Appreciate the solidarity <3 Us solo travelers gotta stick together (is that an oxymoron? lol)
A few years ago I rote down a few things that were happening. Recently I just found the book and read it, and I really wish I didn’t write it down, just brought back the memories of that difficult time.
Yes, we have to stick together, and be friends.
I’m sorry to hear about your difficult time. Sometimes writing is just a helpful way to cope during the actual time…. and if you think reading it later will upset you then maybe you could throw it away, rip it up, burn it, etc. That way you never have to look at it again, you know?