How to feel the fear and do it anyways.

What kind of life do you want? Just in general.

Do you want a small life?

One where you go to the same old job you accepted right out of college, and climb the corporate ladder, even though it bores you to tears. A life where you spend most of the time delaying your gratification in hopes of a happier future. Where you save up for those two vacations a year and can’t wait for the day you can finally retire.

Where you know deep down on some soul level that this is not what you’re meant to do but you are too scared of throwing away the comfort of a safe routine. So you stick to the status quo.

Or do you want a bigger, more expansive life?

A life where you don’t have to struggle to get up and go to work everyday. A life where instead you feel a sense of excitement and fulfillment about the work you are doing in the world.

One where there is room in your days for adventure and spontaneity, even if its just the small adventures like going to a new yoga class or finding a beautiful new cafe to work from.

I think on some level, if we are being honest with ourselves, we all crave a bigger more expansive life. Whether we feel like that is possible, realistic or not, is besides the point.

Anais Nin has a fantastic quote that says “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage”.

I would totally agree. Because in order to live a bigger, more expansive life- we have to learn how to flex our courage muscle. How to feel the fear and do it anyways. We have to learn how to manage our relationship with fear, so that it stops getting in the way of the life we truly deserve.

Are you letting fear run your life?

Think about it. When was the last time you allowed fear to call the shots? For me it was just a month ago when I made a decision not to perform at a local open mic night because “I wasn’t ready”. Translation…. I was too scared.

I was scared of putting myself out there. I was scared of getting on stage and squeaking out the high notes or singing off tune. I was scared of people laughing at me or worse….pitying me. 

 I thought I needed more practice to really hit those high notes. I thought if I could just rehearse it over and over again by myself I could build up my confidence. And if I had more confidence then I wouldn’t be scared and I could finally step onto that stage. 

I tried to get rid of my fear through obsessive practice. I made the mistake of  waiting for my fear to disappear before I could take any action. 

And guess what? I lost the opportunity. Hopefully not forever, but for a month now all of the open mic nights have been closed because of COVID social distancing. Who knows when they will reopen!

Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever let an opportunity pass you by because you were too scared? I know this is just one small example, but I am starting to believe that how we do ONE thing is how we do everything. 

How we handle our fear for the small stuff like singing at an open mic night or going on that tinder date, is how we handle our fear for the bigger stuff, like saying I love you for the first time or quitting our dead end job to travel the world. 

But the good news is, we can learn to change our relationship to fear so it doesn’t control our lives.

Step one: accept fear as a necessary part of a GOOD life.

The first step to changing our relationship to fear is realizing that a life with fear isn’t a life.

We don’t need to avoid feeling fear. If we really try to do this, we are resigning ourselves to a seriously small existence. Basically a life without fear is one that involves us sitting on the couch watching Netflix all day. A life where we never take any risks or put ourselves out there. And really who wants that?

We must accept the fact that fear exists and is actually a necessary part of a joyful, exciting life. 

Fear doesn’t mean that we are doing something wrong. Fear is not a stop sign or a red light. It does not mean we should turn around, back it up or retreat to the place where we feel safe again.

Fear usually means we are headed in the right direction. It means we are on to something that is truly important to us. Something worth trying.

Step two: tune into how fear feels in the body

Next, we must remember that fear is just a sensation of discomfort in our body and that we are totally capable of experiencing it. Although it may feel like it, we are not actually going to die.

I used to think that fear was an intolerable emotion that I couldn’t handle. I used to take steps to regularly avoid feeling afraid about anything.

My freshman year of college, I had a horrible experience of turbulence on a plane ride and developed a fear of flying. I avoided getting on a plane at all for the next four years because I wanted to avoid the discomfort of feeling afraid. And then finally when I did get on a plane, I thought I had to medicate myself through alcohol or anti anxiety medication in order to get through it. 

I didn’t trust myself to sit with and handle the experience of fear in my body. 

One thing that really helps me deal with fear now is the way Gay Hendricks reframes it in his book The Big Leap. He says “fear is excitement without the breath”. 

Mel Robbins discusses this too in her book The 5 Second Rule. Fear and excitement are literally the same physiologic experiences. Heart racing, tightness in our chest, butterflies in our stomach.

It’s all the same physical experience. The only difference is with fear we tell ourselves that “we can’t handle it” and with excitement we embrace these feelings.

So next time you are feeling the fear try to remind yourself that “fear is excitement without the breath.” Take a few deep breaths. Feel the physical sensations in your body. It also helps to repeat over and over again “I’m just excited”.

In fact whenever you reference fear in general, try to refer to it as excitement. You may feel crazy at first, but I promise it works.

I’m so excited for this interview. I’m excited to do this Facebook live. I’m excited to meet the parents for the first time.

Step three: do it, scared.

Lastly, and this is the most important part: feel the fear and do it anyways.

You can be scared AND act at the same time. You don’t have to wait until you are fearless (because that’s not a thing) or full of confidence to act. Because if you are waiting around for that day… you will never act. 

When I first got to Da Nang, Vietnam I didn’t know a soul. I was also sick for my first week here so I didn’t really go out to cafes or make an effort to meet anyone.

About a week after I arrived, there was a Friday night meetup scheduled. I was so scared and so nervous about walking into a room of a bunch of strangers that I nearly talked myself out of going. Multiple times.

Even as I was walking up to the restaurant I remember distinctly feeling like I was going to throw up and almost convinced myself to turn around at that point. I rationalized that I really didn’t need to make friends; I was perfectly content working from cafes alone and ordering take out at night. 

But I knew not to listen to my fear.  My fear was trying to keep me safe, small, and in my comfort zone. Although it had good intentions of wanting to protect me, I knew that physically I was safe.

I wasn’t actually walking into a lion’s den full of threatening predators. I was just walking into a room full of (hopefully unarmed)  strangers. Maybe I would make some friends, maybe I wouldn’t, but either way I was going to survive. 

I thanked my fear for trying to protect me and I kept walking. 

I felt the fear, and did it anyways. 

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So if you want to live a bigger, more expansive life, it’s time to start building up that courage muscle. It’s time to start changing your relationship with fear. 

And remember, this is a practice.  Meaning it’s something we need to do on a regular basis and although it’s always going to feel slightly uncomfortable, pretty soon you will be reveling in the discomfort..

So start small.  What is one small thing you are afraid of right now?  Something that  you have avoided doing? How can you commit to taking an action anyways? 

For me, it’s going to be that open mic night. So I will promise you, as soon as Da Nang opens up again, I will be on that stage. What’s yours? Comment below and share?

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