Do you want to hear something that feels absolutely insane?
I would have graduated from residency this week.
June 20th, 2021 would have been my EXACT graduation date from my residency program.
In some ways I can’t even picture it. It feels like another lifetime ago. In fact, that’s what I usually say to my friends and family when I talk about my time in medicine. I say “my past life”.
I’ve changed so drastically in the past 2.5 years that I don’t really recognize the girl that I used to be when I was working in medicine
The girl who heard her alarm clock going off in the morning and was immediately filled with dread.
The girl who put on her scrubs and danskos and dragged herself into the hospital for another 12 hour day.
Here is something a little wacky that I’ve thought about.
What if in some alternate universe out there that girl still exists?
What if there is a version of me who never made the decision to quit medicine?
Have you ever seen that Gwyneth Paltrow movie, Sliding Glass Doors? Where one day she misses a train and doesn’t make it home in time to catch her boyfriend cheating on her. But then, an entirely separate universe opens up where she DOES catch the train and catches her boyfriend cheating on her. Then we get to see the way her life paths diverge onto completely different trajectory’s because of this one moment of catching vs missing the train. It’s mind boggling.
This decision, to leave my residency, has been the ultimate “sliding glass doors” moment of my life.
So what if there is a version of me who is graduating residency today?
A version of me who took her 5 week leave of absence from residency back in 2018, took a campervan road trip around Utah’s national parks and then decided to suck it up and “just finish” residency like everyone else advised her to.
I can’t sit here and tell you that I know for sure that this girl would be miserable.
Maybe she found a way to be happy enough working in medicine.
Maybe she would have found a way to effectively numb the calling of her soul.
But I know with absolute certainty, that by staying in medicine she would be settling for a life that was LESS than what she truly deserved.
Maybe you think that’s crazy. How could being a doctor and saving lives be settling? Isn’t becoming a doctor a lifelong dream for so many people?
Yes, becoming a doctor is a dream for so many people, and that’s exactly what I got caught up in.
The fact that this career path is “the dream”. Because as I hustled my way through my medical training, I never truly stopped to reflect and ask myself…. is it MY dream?
I believe that anytime we are following someone else’s plan for our lives- whether that is society, our parents, our peer group, etc. we are always settling for less than what we deserve.
Because when I think about the fact that I would have graduated from residency this week, my first feeling is…. “Thank God that’s not what I’m doing.”
Thank God I am not spending my days trying to master laparoscopic suturing techniques.
Thank God I don’t have to save any brain space for remembering the evidence based approach to abnormal uterine bleeding.
Thank God I don’t ever have to read another scientific study if I don’t want to.
Thank God I don’t have to worry about logging operative cases or studying for board exams.
I feel so much relief that my current life does not include any of those things.
And let me be so clear, there is NOTHING inherently wrong with any of those things. Those are wonderful things. But they are not MY things. They are not the things I want to spend my time doing.
Now that I am no longer spending my time doing things that are meant for someone ELSE, I get to do the things that are meant for ME.
I get to spend my time in a way that is aligned with the things I enjoy and want to be doing.
I get to spend my time reading books and listening to podcasts to learn more about spirituality, human psychology and human potential.
I get to spend my time having deep conversations with friends and clients about what it means to be ALIVE and what it means to be a HUMAN, topics that make me giddy with excitement.
I get to spend my time traveling around the world, meeting new people and opening my heart and mind as I experience new cultures.
I get to spend my time creating and growing an online business with a mission that is so deeply aligned with my soul.
Because those are things that make me feel alive. Those are the things that make me feel joyful.
Since leaving my residency 2.5 years ago, I’ve had the most incredible experiences as I’ve solo traveled the world.
- Doing a sunrise hot air balloon ride over the pyramids in Teotihuacan Mexico.
- Motorbiking one of the world’s most scenic coastal roads, the Hai Van Pass in Vietnam
- Doing Tai Chi on the rooftop of a boat while cruising through Ha Long Bay, a UNESCO World Heritage site.
- Solo backpacking around the hidden gem island country of Taiwan and eating at Michelin star night market stalls.
- Biking through an “ancient temple crawl” in Kyoto and soaking in hot springs at the base of Mt. Fiji in Japan.
- Scaling Mt Hallasan, the highest peak in South Korea, and through hiking around alllllmost all 425km (264) of the olle trails wrapping around Jeju Island.
- Performing in a K-pop dance crew in front of 1000s of people at a college campus in central Korea.
- Cliff jumping and Stand Up Paddle boarding at a hidden cenote in the south of Mexico
- Camping at the top of a dormant volcano in Guatemala, watching a nearby active volcano erupt red hot lava right before my eyes.
- Hitchhiking in the back of a truck with new friends in El Salvador while passing the most beautifully scenic volcanic lake.
- Sneaking into a lookout point after hours to watch the sunset over the Christ the Redeemer monument in Brazil, one of the 7 wonders of the modern world. (**Not actually sneaking so much as, I was with a local and he talked the guard in to actually opening the gate and letting us in even though it was closed to the public)
All of these moments have been the kind of thing that make my heart burst open in the “I can’t believe this is actually my life” kind of gratitude. Legitimately, I’ve had so many times over the past few years where I’ve cried actual tears because I feel so overflowing with joy and appreciation that I can’t contain the emotions.
But these “bucket list” experiences I’ve gotten to have absolutely pale in comparison to the internal work I’ve done and the shifts I’ve witnessed in myself as a result.
Since leaving medicine, I’ve received the gift of time.
Time to meditate.
Time to journal and reflect.
Time to practice listening to my intuition.
Time to read personal growth and spiritual books.
Time to take courses and learn from spiritual teachers.
Time to listen to podcasts that expand my understanding of what is true.
Time to go to yoga classes around the world.
Time to connect and process my growth with like minded souls who further enhance my spiritual journey.
Having this time to explore my inner world, fueled with a dedication to connect deeply to my true self, has resulted in some incredible internal shifts, that I will try to explain in the best way I can.
- I’ve learned how to accept my inherent worthiness as a human being and to fully believe that I am good enough exactly as I am. I no longer feel the need to prove myself through external accomplishments in my career and can relax into the peace that comes from knowing: I am already worthy. While I still have moments where I forget my inherent worthiness and start to experience that anxiety of not being good enough, it only takes me a few minutes to shift back into the truth of who I am.
- I’ve learned how to witness self sabotaging patterns within my intimate relationships (including friendships) that have previously blocked me from experiencing true closeness. I now see when my fear of rejection is creeping in and causing me to shut down, and with that awareness I’m able to create new patterns of opening up into vulnerability. These shifts are allowing me to experience feelings of closeness, love and support in my relationships in ways I never even realized were possible. Because of the depths of my connections to my friends I never feel alone even while solo traveling the world. Even writing this right now is making me cry (while sitting in a Starbucks) because I love my friends so fully and completely and never realized what I was missing by refusing to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability.
- I’ve learned how to feel and move through painful emotions of rejection, heartache, loneliness, terror, depression, guilt and anger. I am no longer afraid of feeling painful emotions and don’t feel the need to shut down or numb out to avoid them. When I feel an emotion starting to wash over me, I trust myself that I have the tools to process and move through the uncomfortable experience. Whether that is through journaling, crying, yoga, tapping, dancing, calling friend, or all of the above, I know and trust that I can handle any feeling that comes my way. It is this high level of emotional resilience that allows me to feel confident and unstoppable in the face of any challenges.
I love the person I am today. I love the person I am becoming. I love the way life feels like a blanket of possibilities laid out before me. Every day I feel like I am expanding and growing into the fullness of my human potential.
So as I sit here on my hypothetical graduation day and reflect on “what could have been”, if I had stayed in residency, I can’t help but feel so much gratitude for the path I have chosen.
It hasn’t always been easy, but it doesn’t have to be easy, because it’s amazing.
And I’d love to offer you this benediction to take with you into your week and journey.
May you feel at peace with all your choices.
May you always choose what is most expansive and exciting to your soul.
May you live a life that you can look back on with gratitude and appreciation.
