Are you thinking about quitting residency? Are you feeling defeated and profoundly miserable each dayat work? Burnt out and exhausted? Feeling resentful and angry about your life circumstances. You are not alone- and that’s exactly why I recorded this podcast episode.
In today’s episode, I read through 3 different journal entries from when I was in my 2nd year of OBGYN residency back in 2018. I dissect what exactly was making me miserable and some of the things I did that helped me start pulling myself out of my self-pity spiral.
This episode is going to help you feel seen and understood and give you some tangible steps to get out of that dark place.
Journal Entry #1
Here are some of my personal journal entries from when I first started thinking about quitting residency.
September 27, 2018
“I decided it was time to buy a new journal, mainly because I was on such a spending spree at Marshalls and this one seemed cute. I’m also in such a rut recently and need a pick me up or twelve.
I am so burnt out and exhausted and feeling so bitter and resentful about my current life circumstances. I’m in so much pain because I’m feeling such acute resistance to what is. I’m feeling so angry about the current state of my life. I’m dwelling on my lack. I’m comparing myself to others. I’m feeling exhausted and lonely and under appreciated and isolated, like I’m just not connecting with people recently.
Dear Universe please help me find my inner peace. Help me to accept what is and to appreciate all the many blessings and good things in my life.
I don’t want to ask you to help me power through because that’s not what I want. I don’t want to white knuckle or continue to drag myself along everyday. I want to find a different way to approach the whole thing.
Please help me to use my time off in a way that recharges me more. Please help me to let go of my resentment. Maybe that is going to require facing it head on to get to the root cause. Digging into it so I can understand it better. Please give me the courage to do this tough work.
Please help me to stop feeling so isolated and alone. Help me to find pauses and spaces in my day to feel connected with the Universe and those around me. Help me to seek and appreciate connection of all kinds.
I just feel so run down and angry and helpless and hopeless right now. And like I’m being dragged along through this nightmare that I have no control of. Why am I here right now? Why am I selling my soul and giving more of myself than I can afford to this career and this lifestyle that is so draining to me.
Why am I alone? Why is it so difficult for me to find somebody to date and love and to be with? I feel so low and helpless and I just want to badly to find my person. Where is he? What is wrong with me that I can’t seem to find somebody?
How can I get out of this self pity spiral? Am I doing something wrong in the way I’m living my life? Is there something inherently wrong with me or how I’m carrying myself through this world? Am I too selfish? Too depressed? Do I drink too much? Is it that I take adderall? What is it? And how do I fix it?
Do I just need to love myself more? Work on appreciation more? Meditate more often? Am I focusing on the wrong things entirely? Should I just take the rest of 2nd year off dating and really just focus on myself? Loving myself. Developing such a strong self love and self confidence that I can’t feel lonely and feel such happiness from within?
That feels energetically better than all of this self pity and misery. Is it true that the feeling of loneliness means I’m deeply in need of myself?
Universe please guide me and help me listen to you. My only intention this weekend is to tap into your guidance and let you lead me into a more peaceful approach. I have so much resistance to release and I feel like in many ways I have taken steps backward during residency due to my perceived “lack of time”.
I love you so much, please help me and guide me. I’m at the end of myself right now. Help me to lean into the love you have for me and help me to release the fear of not being enough and the fear of being alone. There is so much love all around me.
Help me to recognize it and become a part of it. Help me to release the illusion that we are separate. Help me to feel the oneness that is my true nature. Help me to trust in you and trust that everything is unfolding in my favor. Help me to seek the light and lean into the love.
Unhelpful Thought Patterns When Thinking About Quitting Residency
When I was thinking about quitting residency I was also feeling burnt out and depressed. I had several thought distortions that effectively were prolonging my misery.
“What’s wrong with me” type questions
Instead of trying to work through a logical explanation for why I was single, I was asking “what is wrong with me” type questions. Within this thought pattern I was assuming that I had inherent flaws. I wasn’t just doing this with my romantic life, I was also thinking that something was wrong with me for thinking about quitting residency. These types of questions are painful and unhelpful.
Resisting what is
Another huge cause of my suffering was resisting my circumstances. I wasn’t accepting my current situation which caused even more pain. I was feeling anger, resentment and regret about the choices that had led me to this point. We all have situations in our life where we experience. When you refuse to accept these painful experiences you become entrenched in suffering which amplifies the pain.
Pain = pain.
Pain + non acceptance = suffering.
Arrival fallacy and rescue fantasy
I kept thinking that the reason I was unhappy was so black and white. I’m unhappy because I’m single. If I find a relationship, everything will be ok. I thought that finding a partner would “save me”, but that’s not the case. I was unhappy for a wide array of reasons, and ignoring any of them is unhelpful for solving the problem.
What Helped Me When I Was Thinking About Quitting Residency
Although I had some pretty unhelpful thought patterns when I was thinking about quitting residency, I also did a few things that really helped me.
Journaling
My journaling practice saved my life. Journaling helped me to get all of my painful thoughts out of my head and onto paper. It helped to release and relieve some of the pain. I wrote it all out. I had an outlet for my pain. I
t’s so important to put language to why you are struggling. The more you articulate it the more insights you will gain into what is wrong. The more you know about what is not working, the better positioned you are to figure out a solution.
My Spiritual Connection
Having a connection to something bigger than myself gave me somewhere to turn to. It gave me the courage to surrender and also gave me hope that there could be another way. I think of my spiritual connection as my Intuition, Higher Self or The Universe, but it really doesn’t matter what you believe in.
Asking for Help
When I was thinking about quitting residency, I was truly at the end of myself. I didn’t know what to do. I was so far beyond knowing the answers that I had no choice but to ask for help. I didn’t try to do it all myself, I reached out and asked for help and guidance.
For more guidance and resources, be sure to check out my book, Residency Drop Out: How I Quit My Medical Career to Travel the World and Work Remotely.
