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One year ago this very week, I set off into the deserts of Utah with a heavy question on my heart.

“Did I still want to be a doctor?”

Spoiler alert, I ultimately decided NO, I didn’t want to be a doctor.  And what that meant for me at the time was making some pretty massive changes.

I left my OB/GYN residency smack dab in the middle of my second year. I signed up for a life coaching course. I got a job teaching English in South Korea and I moved halfway around the world. I even cut my hair (every life change deserves a new hairdo, right?)

In the span of three months I transformed literally every single aspect of life. Where I lived. What I did for work. How I spent my days. Even who my friends were. 

And now, one year after burning the boats and storming the island, I want to  pause and examine the results of that decision. More specifically, I want to answer the question “Did I make the right decision?” by reflecting on all the ways my life has transformed over the past year.

More sleep

I’m no longer working 24 hr shifts and 80 hr weeks which means, in general I get much more sleep than I did in residency.

Although sometimes I burn the midnight oil for my coaching sessions, for the most part I am getting 7-8 hours of sleep every single night. And it feels so good.

I cannot over emphasize how much being well rested elevates every other aspect of life. If the ONLY thing that changed about my life was that I started sleeping 7-8 hrs every night, I would still feel like a drastically different person than the zombie that was roaming the hospital last year.

More time 

Another perk of not spending 60-80 hrs of every week in the hospital is all of the extra time I have. Time is the biggest luxury of all. During my entire medical career, I always felt this sense of being rushed. I didn’t have enough time for anything. I didn’t have enough time to go grocery shopping, to work out, to hang out with friends, to take care of myself, to have fun.

Through this year my entire relationship to time has changed. Partially that’s because I’m not working as many hours and partially it’s because I’ve realized this one simple thing: I get to choose exactly what I do with my time.

Even when I was in residency, I was making a choice about what to do with my time. I was choosing to spend my time in the hospital training to become a doctor. Of course, I didn’t see it that way. I felt like I was being dragged along each day, forced to show up for rounds at 5 am and forced to stay up late finishing my clinic notes. I didn’t feel like I had a choice at all.

But truthfully the choice WAS mine the whole time because I ultimately did make the choice to walk away. 

Now, I realize that I do get to choose exactly how I spend my time and that realization has created a greater sense of spaciousness and sovereignty throughout my entire life.

More connection

I am now closer to my family than ever before which is crazy because I live halfway across the world in a time zone that is 14 hours ahead. Somehow even with the time difference and the physical distance I feel more connected to them.

My family of 5 has a group text that we usually use several times a week to stay in contact about some of the bigger things going on in our lives. In that text we share selfies, celebrations, accomplishments, and general highs and lows throughout the week.

The entire time I was in residency and medical school as well, I couldn’t be bothered to participate in the group text. I rarely responded to anyone or shared anything of my own. During my medical career, I also talked to my mom on the phone maybe once a week for 5 minutes to share some superficial updates.

I was so isolated, in my own little world trying to be the lone warrior. 

And now, I am actually leaning into the vulnerability of connection. I interact in the group text, responding and celebrating others and sharing news of my own. I have longer, more in depth phone conversations with all of my family members- getting to know them more as people. 

This has been true with all of the new friends I have made this year as well. The friendships I have cultivated on this island and through my life coaching program all have an entirely different vibe to them. There is a depth of love and support in these friendships- that I wasn’t able to access before. 

I’m no longer consumed with my own self pity and self misery and the result is that I am able to show up for other people in a bigger, more generous way. I also no longer feel like I have to do it all on my own. I know how to ask for support when I need it and I feel capable of giving support to others as well.

Less resentment

I carried this ugly undertone of resentment throughout my medical career, especially during the end  during my year and a half of residency.

I was bitter about all the choices I had made up until that point. Mad at my 20 year old self  for choosing medicine in the first place. I hated that I had to work all the time and felt so much jealousy for anyone in a traditional 9-5 who had weekends off. I felt like I was constantly missing out on spending time with friends.

 I even started to feel resentful towards my patients- wishing they could just get better and go home so I could rest. 

I felt like I was constantly being asked to give more of myself than I could possibly give. Like I was trapped in this life that I accidentally chose. And it made me so angry and resentful.

What I’ve realized is, when we feel like we don’t have choices, that is when resentment really festers.

Now that I have fully stepped into my power to choose and create my own life, all those angry and bitter feelings have gone away.  I no longer feel like a victim and like life is just happening to me and instead I am able to make conscious decisions to design my reality. 

That doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. What it does mean though is that I am exercising my ability to choose and therefore am able to accept all of the consequences of my choices.

Instead of feeling trapped and resentful, I now feel a greater sense of contentment underpinning my every day life. A joyful acceptance of my life exactly as it is right now. 

Greater sense of fulfillment

You would think that delivering babies and saving lives is some of the most fulfilling, meaningful work out there. And yet, when I was bringing life into the world on a daily basis, I felt so dead inside. 

I never felt like I was making much of an impact on the lives of my patients. Likely that’s because I was so disconnected from myself and living out of alignment from my purpose and true values.  

In the past year, working as a life coach and content creator, I’ve experienced a greater sense of fulfillment and purpose than I ever did in medicine.

There is a concept I learned in a podcast from Brendon Burchard that I think partially explains this. He noted that seeing a project through from beginning to end helps create a greater sense of purpose and satisfaction in the work we do. 

As an intern, I was called into the room 5 minutes before an impending delivery. I ran into the room, donned my gear, helped deliver the baby and then peaced out to do the paperwork.

I missed out on really meeting the patient, and being present with her through her labor. My whole care experience with each patient was so disjointed, it couldn’t possibly be fulfilling. 

As a coach, I am able to be there from start to finish and really walk my clients through their problems and life transformations. Additionally as an entrepreneur, I savor the ability to curate my clients’ entire experience working with me, every single touch point, from beginning to end.

Back in medicine, my 15 minute interactions with clinic patients didn’t leave enough time or space to get to the real root of their issues and would often leave both of us feeling frustrated and unheard. Now, as a coach I am able to dedicate significantly more time to get to the root of my clients’ problems and have such a greater ability to affect meaningful change in their lives. 

I know for sure that the work I am doing now, working through people’s mindset and mental blocks, helping them overcome their fears and unlock their full potential, is the real work I am meant to do in this world and having that clear sense of purpose is so beautiful. 

More internal motivation and drive

While I was in residency, I felt very externally motivated. I practiced my suturing and knot tying so that my attendings wouldn’t yell at me in surgery. I learned how to present patients so I wouldn’t embarrass myself by stumbling on my words during rounds. I studied for tests and oral exams, so that I would pass. 

I never felt a true internal motivation to become a good doctor so that I could help patients. Partially because I was disillusioned with the medical system in general and didn’t feel like being a “good doctor” necessarily meant truly helping patients, but that’s another conversation entirely. 

Now, in my work as a coach, I feel this burning desire to master my craft. I want to learn all the tools and skills so that I can be an incredibly powerful coach and help people create lives they love.

I’ve devoured books, online courses and podcasts with an obsessive like quality to learn everything in my power to help my clients create meaningful change in their lives. I’m so naturally curious about the mind and human behavior that this curiosity mixed with my desire to serve others in this way has created this amazing internal drive. I never feel like I’m being pushed to do things by external forces- I have an internal drive that is constantly pulling me to explore my own edges. 

The Hard Stuff

Before I wrap up, I do want to take a moment to talk about some of the harder parts of this transformation. 

Every choice has consequences and even this choice of mine to leave medicine, which was overwhelmingly positive, has had some negative consequences too. I think it’s imperative to paint a super clear picture of what this choice has looked like for me, both the good and the bad.

One of the hardest parts of this choice has been the people I lost. When I made the decision to leave residency, one of the consequences was saying goodbye to a whole group of people who I thought I was bonded to for life. I’m no longer really in touch with any of the 8 other people who I survived an entire year and a half of residency with. That was a hard truth to swallow. 

Another difficulty has been stepping into uncertainty. I traded a guaranteed career path for a roller coaster of travel and entrepreneurship. That is NOT for everyone. And sometimes I even find it daunting and difficult.

Although the greater part of me always knows I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be and overall feel such a huge sense of peace and calm, there are definitely moments when I feel the holy terror of “what have I done?” Learning to sit with this discomfort and even lean into it has been a huge part of my growth this year. I’m so appreciative for it and at the same time it’s been unbelievably difficult. 

All change is a form of loss, because how it was is no longer how it’s going to be. Whether its losing people or places or versions of yourself. Nothing about change is easy and I don’t want to gloss over that.

What I have learned though, is that when the change is moving in the direction of your personal growth, it’s worth it. While I feel a sadness about the people I’ve lost in this process, I also know it was necessary to shed that skin in order to keep moving forward into my fullest expression of life. 

I’ve also learned that I’m capable of hard things. Whether that is hard decisions, hard goodbyes or facing hard truths. I’ve stretched my personal capacity for growth so far this year and with it my confidence in my abilities to handle anything that comes at me.

I’m not sure if I can wrap this reflection up into a nice little bow because what I’ve realized through writing all of this, is that my story is just beginning.

I don’t have a conclusion to draw or a way to summarize all of this because my transformation is still a work in progress.  And that’s just the way I like it.

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Are you wanting to take a big leap but scared of the unknown? Wondering “what if it just doesn’t work out?” This worksheet will help you overcome your fear and self doubt and confidently make any decision. Sign up below to snatch your copy!

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