Why you must STOP being a perfectionist if you want to achieve your goals.

I used to think, no way could I be a perfectionist. I’m really not that detail oriented. I publish blogs with typos in them all the time and I rarely straighten my hair or put makeup on. It didn’t seem like I was very concerned with appearing perfect.

But recently, I listened to a podcast by Sam Laura Brown of The Perfectionism Project which completely changed my perception of what perfectionism actually is. I realized, perfectionism is something I struggle with on a deep level. Perfectionism has been a consistent theme throughout both my medical career and now building this life coaching business. It has been sneaking up on me in ways I was completely ignorant to. 

Bringing awareness to the problem has helped me to recognize my perfectionist tendencies for what they truly are and I’ve been able to start taking the first steps to overcome them.

But not just any type of awareness. And this is really important. It has to be compassionate awareness. Because otherwise it’s more judgement and more perfectionism disguised as personal growth. If I keep beating myself up for “being a perfectionist”, that is really just perfectionism creeping in the back door. 

What I am starting to practice is compassionate awareness. This has an energy of playfulness and curiosity instead of judgement. It’s about accepting that I will never arrive. I will eternally be a human being who is trying and growing and messing things up and that is the whole point of this human experience. It’s allowing myself to BE a human who gets things wrong.

I want to walk you through this new perspective on perfectionism so you can shine the redeeming light of awareness on all your perfectionism demons.

What is perfectionism?

First let’s start with what perfectionism is NOT. It is not who you are. I’ve been trying to steer away from the phrase “I’m a perfectionist”. I think when we create that identity label for ourselves like “I’m a perfectionist” and “ I’m a procrastinator”, we box ourselves into these identities. We make any sort of behavioral change or personal growth so much more difficult, because on some level we believe it’s just who we are. 

Perfectionism is not who you are. It is not something you are stuck with or something that can’t be changed. Struggling with perfectionism also does not mean that you are a perfect person. Just because I publish blog posts with typos, doesn’t mean I am immune from struggling with perfectionism. 

Perfectionism involves feeling ashamed for not being perfect. It is a strategy some of us develop to avoid shame. But, it is ultimately an ineffective strategy because shame is a human emotion and as long as we are here having this human experience, we can’t avoid it. 

One of my favorite perspectives on perfectionism comes from Brene Brown. This is how she defines perfectionism:

“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect and act perfect we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement and shame. It’s a shield. It’s a twenty ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when in fact it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.”

Throughout this post what I really want to bring attention to is the way perfectionism keeps us from “taking flight”. I want to highlight all the sneaky ways perfectionism shows up in our lives to keep us from taking big leaps and following our dreams. 

Another spiritual teacher I admire, Rob Bell, also speaks about perfectionism in a profound way. He has a podcast episode Good vs Perfect (which I highly recommend you listen to- start at minute 9) where he says “perfect is the voice in your head that says ‘you should nail this on the first try’ and anything less than that means something is wrong with you.”

Perfectionism is putting an unrealistic pressure on ourselves to never make a mistake. What it really does is keeps us from ever trying.

Where does perfectionism come from?

Perfectionism, like most maladaptive behaviors, can be traced back to childhood. Usually it comes from some experience in childhood where we were told, or somehow adopted the belief that we weren’t good enough. That something was wrong with us on a deep, intrinsic, soul level. That we were flawed in some way. We felt incredibly ashamed about not being good enough and decided we never wanted to feel that way again. 

From that point forward our whole life became a dance of preventing people from finding out that we aren’t good enough. We spend our lives trying to prove to others that we are good enough and at the same time we are terrified that we will be “found out”, for the flawed human being that we are. 

But spending our whole lives putting on this facade of a “perfect person”, has some serious consequences and ultimately keeps us stuck in our comfort zone.

Four surprising traits of perfectionism

Now I want to walk you through four surprising traits that are common in people struggling with perfectionism. Each trait leads to a form of self sabotage that prevents us from achieving our goals.

1. Fear of being seen

People who struggle with perfectionism are deeply afraid that there is something wrong with them, that makes them not good enough at their core. So naturally, they are terrified of being seen and found out, because they worry that if people found out that they weren’t good enough- they wouldn’t be worthy of love and connection. 

Perfectionism is like putting on a cloak or a mask, or like Brene Brown says “a twenty ton shield” to hide our imperfections. It prevents us from showing up for who we are authentically, because we are afraid that our authentic self isn’t good enough. 

When we are afraid to be seen, we often hide away. We hide out in mediocre jobs that pay the bills but leave us feeling unfulfilled. We hide out in a safe routine, where there are few unknowns. We settle for lives that are less than what we deserve. 

2. Afraid to be bad at something

Perfectionism sees effort as a sign of inadequacy, because if you have to try too hard at something, it means you aren’t naturally good at that thing. People who struggle with perfectionism are afraid to show up for the “messy middle” or to take imperfect action. They want everything to feel natural and effortless and like they “nailed it on the first try”. 

But in order to be good and even great at something, we usually have to be willing to be bad at first. This attitude of perfectionism essentially prevents us from ever trying anything new. It limits us to things we already know we are good at. We aren’t willing to learn a new skill, or show up as a total beginner. 

As Rob Bell says in his podcast “perfect says I tried it, but it wasn’t awesome, so I quit”. 

Perfectionism is that all or nothing attitude that says if it isn’t excellent, it’s not worth our time.

3. Really comfortable with overwhelm and confusion

Whenever we feel overwhelmed or confused…. What do we usually do? 

Nothing. 

Usually states of overwhelm and confusion lead to inaction. They lead to “analysis paralysis” which is that state where there are so many things we could do we don’t know where to start. So we don’t start. We end up doing nothing. 

People who struggle with perfectionism tend to be very comfortable in a state of overwhelm or confusion. They unintentionally architect these feelings for themselves to avoid taking any action. It’s a trick to prevent themselves from getting started, because you can’t fail if you never start. 

So if you find yourself feeling “so overwhelmed” on the reg or catch yourself saying “I don’t know where to start”, that is likely a sign you are struggling with perfectionism.

Because the truth is, it doesn’t matter WHERE you start, it just matters that you do start

4. Procrastination

When we procrastinate, we either wait until the last minute to get things done or never get things done at all. If we wait until the last minute, it’s easy to say “well clearly that wasn’t my best effort”. If we never get started, we never risk anything at all. 

Procrastination essentially gives perfectionists something to blame when things don’t work out. As Sam Laura Brown said in her podcast interview with Kathrin Zenkina “[Procrastination] is a technique for trying to withhold effort so that when you fail, you can blame the fact that you didn’t try your hardest. You can blame your lack of effort, instead of the fact that at your core you aren’t good enough”. 

Procrastination is a way we let ourselves off the hook. It’s an excuse. We would rather hold onto the hope that “we could be really great if we could just motivate ourselves to get started” than to get started and show that we aren’t as amazing as we hoped. 

But if we are always procrastinating our big life goals, life is going to pass us by. 

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In order to live an inspiring life, a life that we are proud of- we must recognize all the ways that perfectionism is getting in the way. We must learn to take messy, imperfect action in the direction of our goals.

We must learn to accept that as humans we are all flawed. There is nothing wrong with us. It is just the human condition. We must start to love and accept ourselves for the flawed, imperfect, beautiful human creature that we are.

I’d love to hear from you! Do you struggle with perfectionism? Which of these traits/ behaviors do you struggle with the most? Overwhelm, procrastination, fear of being seen or fear of being bad at something? Comment below and share how perfectionism is showing up in your life right now. 

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