What it means when you have self doubt (and how to overcome it)

Back when I was a burnout OBGYN resident working up the courage to quit my medical career to pursue the things that made me feel fulfilled, I made a list.

On an airplane ride from Utah back to Pittsburgh, I got out my journal and  asked myself “what are all the stories I’m telling myself about why I can’t quit my job?”. Then I proceeded to list out all my doubts and fears. 

“What if I am in debt for the rest of my life?”

“What if I throw this career away, pursue something else and I’m still not happy?”

“What if I actually hate traveling?”

I was scared. Scared of making the wrong decision and regretting it. Scared of leaving this safe, secure job and taking this massive leap into the unknown. I was unsure if I would be able to navigate through so much doubt and uncertainty on a regular basis. 

And I think for many of us, fear of venturing into the unknown and regretting it, is the exact thing that keeps us stuck in our safe, predictable lives. 

We don’t believe in ourselves and our ability to handle the unknown; to navigate through uncertainty. We feel this pull towards a more inspired, purposeful life, but we worry what will happen if we actually move in that direction.

What will happen if we actually answer the call?

Will we regret venturing off our safe path into the unknown?

As someone on the other side of my big leap, I want to be super honest with you. These doubts and fears don’t go away.

There are moments when I feel terrified that I made the wrong decision. There are moments when I think “oh shit, what have I done.”

Moments where I go off into a negative spiral that looks a little something like this:

I worked for years training to be a doctor. I invested so much of my life and time and money in this career, why did I just throw this all away?  Why did I trade in this safe, known path for this big question mark of a future? What the heck was I thinking?

But this is all just fear talking and when you are breaking free of the conventional path prescribed by society, fear is going to be a constant companion. When you are walking down the road less traveled and forging your own way, you are going to have self doubts because you are going against the grain.

That doesn’t mean you’re wrong. Having self doubts just means that you are doing something different.

When I feel overwhelmed with these doubts; when I start to question my judgement, there are a few things I do to remind myself why I made this decision.

I want to share with you how I overcome these self doubt in the hopes of empowering you that you can do the same. You can leave your safe path and take a big, bold leap into the unknown and you can handle all of the doubts and fear that come up along the way.

Remember moments

One of the first things I do is remember moments. And really this is about connecting to moments where I felt 100% clear that this was the right decision. Moments of certainty that I catalogued in my brain from the Fall of 2018 when I made my decision to quit my career in medicine. Moments that remind me why I did this and that I am on the right path now.

I have 3 specific moments I hold close to my heart that I revist when I am feeling confused or overwhelmed by self doubt.

Love on fire

The first moment I briefly shared in my post about how I tap into my intuition. As I’ve spoken about before, I relied on my intuition very heavily in making this decision to quit my career in medicine. I was feeling this pull to leave residency but I hadn’t gotten a specific confirmation yet from my intuition. Before I did anything too drastic or final I felt that I needed a firm “YES” straight from the source.

And then one day, I got the firmest yes I could have possibly hoped for. I was writing in my journal to my intuition, asking it what to do and this is what I got:

I can’t make this decision for myself. I know that I can’t rely on myself or my own power. I need you. I need to tap into your wisdom. I feel so pressured to make this decision in less than two weeks. What if I mess it up?

Never.

I can never mess it up?

No, never.

How can I see this differently? How can I see this from your perspective?

Not with your eyes

Ok, so how can I see this differently?

With your heart.

What does my heart see?

You want the opportunity to love others. It doesn’t matter how. You just have to love them the best you can.

I feel like residency is making it so much harder for me to love others is this just an obstacle in my head?

All obstacles are in your head. There is only love.

So does it matter to you which one I choose?

It never matters.

Then how do I decide? I was counting on you to guide me and decide for me and tell me my exact next step.

It is here.

What is my next right step?

Love.

Love, how?

On fire.

Does that mean whatever is setting a fire in me right now is what I should do?

Yes.

So I should pursue all of this personal development life coaching type path?

Yes.

And friends, when I got this yes, it wasn’t just an average yes. It wasn’t just the words yes that I heard and wrote down. I felt this sensation of tingling in my hands and feet and a wave of warmth, light and expansiveness that rippled throughout my entire body.

I felt this sensation of knowing deep into my core. A knowing that was beyond words. And what I knew is that I needed to hang up my scubs. I knew that medicine was not going to be my path forward. It was time to take a huge leap into the unknown because that is what I was being called to do.

This is one of the most powerful moments and memories I turn to in times of doubt. I remember that my goal is to love on fire. I think those words to myself and recall the moment in all its vividness. LOVE ON FIRE. Do the thing that sets your heart on fire. I remind myself that my purpose in this ever expanding universe is to love on fire. And I let that be my compass.

Sunsets and state parks

The second moment I cling to is one with a new friend who I believe was sent into my life at exactly the right moment to help me solidify this decision. I met this friend on my hiking trip to Utah, smack dab in the middle of my 5 week leave of absence from residency when I was making my decision to quit my career in medicine.

He was the first person I had met who was interested in personal growth and meditating and living a more expansive, fulfilling life. He had actually taken a 2 month leave from work to go on a road trip throughout the US and was doing some soul searching of his own.

One afternoon, a few days after I officially made my decision, we met up and went on a hike in my favorite state park in Alabama. We were sitting at the top of King’s Chair looking out over the valley. The sun was setting and all the leaves on the trees were dazzling in their vibrant November hues of orange and red. It seemed like the perfect time to talk about the ending that was up ahead.

I told him my whole story from start to finish.  How I went into medicine for all the wrong reasons. How I was so miserable and unfulfilled in residency. How I felt this pull towards a bigger, more expansive life even though I didn’t know exactly what that would look like.

How I was making the decision to quit residency, move to South Korea and start training to be a life coach. I shared with him the future I envisioned and the trajectory I wanted for my life. The type of person I wanted to become on this new path.

I was so worried he was going to think I was crazy. That he was going to judge me or think I was being selfish, ridiculous, impulsive, or irresponsible.

But he didn’t say any of those things. He sat there and listened and held space for me. When I finally got it all off my chest and finished, he looked at me- really witnessing me.

Then he told me he was so happy for me and he could tell that this was exactly the right decision for me. In the back of my mind, I made a mental note to remember that moment.

The person I always knew was in there

The final moment I return to in my moments of doubt happened when I went back to Pittsburgh to face my residency program. I visited one of my attendings to ask her for a letter of recommendation to teach English in South Korea.

I talked with her about my decision to quit residency and what was next for me, trying to contain my excitement because I didn’t want to appear disrespectful or callous about the hole I was leaving in the residency program.

She looked at me and said “you look like the person I always knew was in there”. 

She told me that in all of our interactions before, it seemed like I had a wall up. That there was this barrier between me and the outside world and that she never felt like she could quite connect or break through it.

But now, as I talked about this new path and these plans she could see this spark in my eye. This humanness, this openness. These qualities she said she always knew were inside of me, but had never witnessed before because there was always something in the way.

This validation was so important and meant so much to me. All I really want in life is to continually become a better, more open human being and if this decision was moving me in that direction it was absolutely the right decision.

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Mentally time traveling back to these moments helps me to hold the faith when I am full of self doubt. It helps me to remember why I am subjecting myself to this unknown and uncertain path. It’s because of the person I want to become.

I want to be someone with a spark in my eye and an openness in my heart. I want to be someone who loves on fire. Reconnecting to my why and to these moments of certainty allows me overcome any self doubt that arises within me.

What I’ve learned through these past 18 months is that it is OK to have doubt.

It doesn’t mean I am doing something wrong. It just means I am doing something different. I am walking the path less traveled. I am living in alignment with my intuition, and while it’s not always an easy path, it doesn’t have to be easy…. it’s amazing.

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So if you are afraid of leaving your current status quo. If you are scared to venture off your safe path and into the unknown; I hope this post helps you to see how strong and resilient you can be.You are capable of having doubts and fears and overcoming them to live a bigger, more expansive life in alignment with our intuition.

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