Have you ever worked really hard for a goal, achieved exactly what you wanted and then felt shockingly empty afterwards? This was the story of my life as I worked my way up through my medical career.
I set my sights on some goal, put my head down and worked nonstop to achieve it. Had a moment of celebration and happiness. Then experienced a profound let down when I realized how fleeting that happiness was.
It wasn’t until recently, when I heard a quote from Tony Robbins that I understood exactly why this cycle kept repeating itself in my life.
Here are Tony’s wise words: “The purpose of the goal is not to get the goal…. The purpose of the goal is who we become to achieve it. What you get will never make you happy. Who you become has the power to make you very happy or very sad.”
I have spent most of my life thus far with this all backwards. I cared more about the goal than who I became in the process of achieving it. I thought if I could just get into medical school, score really well on that standardized test, then I would feel better about myself and my life. I don’t know if I was looking for happiness exactly. Maybe it was more like some sense of internal worthiness.
This is what hustling for worthiness has looked like so far in my life.
The first time I can clearly remember achieving something I truly wanted was spring of my junior year of college. I got inducted into this elite honor society called the XXXI, for the 31 most influential women on campus.
This was something I had dreamed of since freshman year. Being a part of this inspiring group of women who are truly making a difference on campus, and even wearing the signature big floppy black and white hats while walking through the Quad on Honors Day.
The day I got tapped for the XXXI I spent the afternoon in pure bliss. My parents had surprised me and come into town for the event. I took pictures with my friends, went out to dinner with my family and had a ridiculous grin on all afternoon. But that feeling didn’t last very long.
I still vividly remember sitting on my balcony journaling later that night because I felt inexplicably sad. I thought that if I got into the XXXI, I would feel different somehow, happier, more worthy maybe. But as I sat there on the balcony that night, I didn’t feel any different. I felt exactly the same. And that realization that achieving this big dream of mine didn’t change how I felt, made me feel hopelessly sad. I also felt a sense of ungratefulness and confusion. Why didn’t I feel happier, more fulfilled? What was wrong with me? Why did I feel like this wasn’t enough? Like I wasn’t enough?
A similar sequence happened again when I got into medical school. I was driving home one Friday afternoon and an email popped up on my phone from UAB admissions. I happened to catch a glimpse of the title which said “congratulations”. Immediately, I pulled over, read the email and couldn’t believe it. I had gotten in to medical school!
I called my mom, bursting with excitement then ran into my sorority house shouting the good news to anyone who would listen. Later that night, I went out with friends to celebrate and felt on the top of the world.
But when the next day rolled around and all of that initial excitement faded, I felt so empty.
This same pattern of achievement, brief excitement and then profound let down happened again and again throughout medical school. When I got my Step One score back, when I matched into my number one residency program, when I was inducted into AOA (an academic medical honor society). And what I noticed is that each time, the excitement phase got shorter and shorter.
I was chasing happiness, thinking I would find it around the next corner, Then the next one. Then the next one. And what I was slowly starting to realize was- this approach wasn’t working. Setting big goals and achieving them wasn’t making me happy and what’s worse, I didn’t like who I was becoming.
Who was I becoming?
In college my main goal was getting into medical school. In order to achieve this goal, I became someone who studied all the time. Someone who prioritized my school work and extracurriculars over everything. I “didn’t have time” for my friends or family because I had so much work to do.
The end of my sophomore year of college, I ended up getting evaluated and diagnosed with ADD. The whole purpose behind this was to get prescribed adderall so I could study longer and harder. I was going to get into medical school, no matter what it cost me.
Medical school was more of the same. I continued on the path I had started walking in college, only amplified. I became someone who cared about studying and making good grades more than I cared about anything. I fell out of touch with my college friends who lived in the area because I didn’t have time for them.
I increased my dose of adderall so I could study more. This changed my personality entirely. Gone was the joyful, playful and humorous Chelsea. I walked around stressed out and irritated most of the time. A few months into medical school, I started having debilitating panic attacks (probably due to all of this stress and increased amounts of amphetamines in my system).
Instead of addressing the root cause of the panic attacks, which would have taken up too much of my precious time, I added another medication on board. I medicated the panic attacks away because that was easier and more efficient than actually dealing with what was going on beneath the panic attacks.
I was completely disconnected from myself and from my life. I lived from one test to the next and kept telling myself all of this would be “worth it” when I scored really high on step one. “Worth it” when I matched into my #1 residency and finally got out of Alabama. Then I could really start living and enjoying my life. Once I achieved the next thing- then I could be a better friend, sister, daughter, person.
But the thing is, you can’t put a pause button on your life. You can’t just opt out of life for now and then decide to rejoin it at a later date. Life happens whether you are actively participating or not.
And the reality was, I didn’t like who I was becoming and I didn’t like the life I was building around myself.
Of course, I couldn’t quite articulate that at the time. All I knew was the further along I got on my medical career, the more things “felt off”. It was becoming harder to drag myself out of bed each morning and I felt less motivated by all the external things I was chasing.
A huge turning point came for me towards the end of my first year of residency. My intern class was having a meeting with my program director talking about second year. I raised the point that all the second years now seemed miserable and wondered what that was about.
My program director thought for a moment and then said very honestly “During 2nd year you are working very hard and stretched too thin. It’s hard to be your best self under these circumstances”.
I think at that moment, when she spoke so candidly about what this life path demanded, I was out. At that point, I decided I no longer wanted to be a part of something that wasn’t bringing me closer to my best self. I was no longer willing to become a person I didn’t respect and didn’t want to be.
Because the truth is, the goal doesn’t matter. It’s who you become in the process of chasing the goal that has the potential to make you very happy or very sad. And as I got my MD and started my residency, it was clear to me that I didn’t like who I was becoming.
I needed to make some drastic changes.
The good news is, its never too late to change. And change I did. I walked away from my medical career, I got off adderall entirely, I moved halfway around the world, started training to become a life coach and took a deep dive into all of the personal development, spiritual, psychology stuff that had been fascinating me for so long.
I am finally proud of, not only the work I am doing in the world, but the person I am becoming in the process. I laugh more often, have deeper connections with others. I feel that every single day I am learning and growing into a better human being, whereas previously I felt completely emotionally stunted.
When I picture the person I want to be and how I want to show up in the world, I picture someone vibrant, alive, full of joy and laughter and passion. And I can honestly tell you ever since I left my medical career I am stepping more into that person every day. Obviously there are set backs and times where I don’t show up as fully as I’d like to, but the overally trajectory is in the direction of my best self.
So while I totally believe in setting goals, and am always encouraging my clients to do so, I want to warn you to proceed with caution.
The number one mistake people make when chasing down goals is thinking the goal will make them happy.
Let’s be clear. The goal will never make you happy. Not in a lasting, fulfillment, true joy kind of way. There is nothing wrong with setting and achieving goals, as long as you are not pinning your hopes and dreams for eternal happiness on those goals. It just won’t work and you will be profoundly disappointed.
And what’s more important than the goal, is who you are becoming. Its important to routinely check in with yourself and ask yourself some hard questions, like:
- Who am I becoming in the process of achieving this goal and do I like that person?
- What kind of person do I want to be?
- What does my best self look like?
- How do I want to show up in the world? Am I becoming MORE of that person or LESS?
- Does this process of chasing my goal give me more of what I want?
The bottom line is, while you are chasing a goal its so key to be honest with yourself about WHY you are chasing that goal and WHO you are becoming to get there.
I’d love to hear from you! Have you ever had this experience of achieving a goal and then feeling disappointed afterwards? Have you ever realized you were chasing a goal for the wrong reasons? What did you do about it and how did you self correct? Comment below and share!
