When we are younger, we are given this formula for how to live a good, successful and happy life. We are told to go to college, get the degree, get a stable and well-paying job, and enjoy the occasional two weeks of vacation time a year.
That is how you do life.
That is what is expected.
And the faster we can do it, all the better. It’s like a race to the finish line. But no one tells us that the finish line is a holding cell in the shape of a cubicle where you count down the days until retirement.
For me, at least, I don’t think any of these rules were ever explicitly stated. I don’t remember my parents telling me I had to go to college and jump on this conveyor belt to monotony. It was more implied. An unspoken agreement.
And that is the most dangerous part. The unspoken nature of these expectations. Because for the most part, no one ever tells us this is what we have to do.
We watch other people approach life in this cookie cutter way and we learn by example. Most of us don’t even realize there are other options. We don’t think to question the system because we don’t realize there is another way.
The consequences of living based on other people’s expectations…
For 27 years, I followed this script and lived my life based on other people’s expectations without even realizing it.
I went to college and medical school, landed the prestigious residency position and was working towards a respectable career as an OBGYN. I was checking all the boxes.
But living based on someone else’s script came at a high cost for me.
I felt so disconnected from myself and my intuition, which lead to panic attacks, Bell’s palsy and other stress related health problems.
I didn’t like who I was becoming. The person who was a “good doctor”, wasn’t in line with the person I wanted to be.
Becoming a good doctor meant being ultra busy and working non-stop. It meant not having much time for my family and friends, self care, travel or any of my other hobbies outside of work.
It meant being skeptical and always thinking scientifically instead of leaving room for the magical, miraculous and spiritual world I was starting to believe in.
Another consequence of living life for other people was that achieving my goals felt hollow.
Probably because they weren’t really MY goals. There was no genuine sense of accomplishment when I hit a milestone, because my heart wasn’t in it.
When my attendings praised me, it felt nice in the moment, but it never actually landed, because I didn’t truly care about what I was doing.
While the work I was doing (taking care of pregnant women and delivering their babies) is such important work, it wasn’t my work. I never felt a real sense of satisfaction or fulfillment in the work. Because it wasn’t mine to do.
Plus there was always this nagging sense of unease that there was MORE out there for me. There was work I needed to do, that was being left undone because I was continuing to participate in someone else’s plan for my life.
All of these are symptoms of living life based on other people’s expectations.
And one of the craziest parts is, I didn’t even realize I was living my life based on other people’s expectations, until I started to defy them.
When implicit expectations become explicit
Once I made the decision to quit residency and fully extricate myself from a career in medicine, people began to get very vocal about their opinions and expectations for how I should live my life.
One of my attendings couldn’t accept the idea that I was quitting medicine entirely and suggested checking out some other specialities.
“Hmm you’re unhappy in OBGYN, why not try radiology? You could look at Xray’s from the beach?”
One of my co-residents told me I should “just finish” my OBGYN residency and become a hospitalist, or someone who does shift work in the field of OB, similar to an Emergency Medicine physician. Her rationale was, by doing shift work, I could stack my schedule in a way to make time for plenty of vacation. I could work two weeks on and take two weeks off. It would be perfect.
My grandparents asked me if I had considered doctors without borders.
Many other people hinted that I should just suck it up and push through. “Yes residency is hard, but it’s not forever, just stick it out two more years.” That seemed to be the common sentiment.
Basically the idea that I would give up my white coat or the title of doctor totally freaked people out. The idea that I would pursue a more unconventional, less prestigious career for the pure sake of happiness, did not make sense based on the formula we were given.
That was NOT the way things should be done.
That was NOT the way I was supposed to behave.
Getting clear on my own expectations for myself
But this time, I was not swayed by the expectations of others. Because I had finally listened to my inner voice.
I got clear on MY expectations for myself and what I wanted my life to look like.
I got clear on my values, priorities and what kind of person I wanted to be.
And once I had this vision in my mind, it acted as a north star, and a guiding light for all my future decisions. Once I knew my YES, I had much more clarity on my NO’s.
And I think that is how it goes.
The only way to shed the expectations of others is to get clear and firm about what you expect of yourself.
But first, you have to take a good look at where you might be living your life for others.
Some questions to get you started:
Where do you feel shoulds in your life?
I should get married. I should settle down. I should start saving for retirement. Sound familiar?
Should comes from a sense of duty or obligation. So it’s important to ask yourself- what or whom do I feel obligated to?
Where in life do you find yourself thinking “that’s just the way it is.”
For example: “Nobody actually likes their job. Work sucks. That’s just the way it is.”
Instead of just accepting these things as true, start to question those assumptions. Does it have to be this way? Do I WANT it to be this way?
Where are you afraid to disappoint people or let them down?
Disappointment comes from unmet expectations. So looking to where you are afraid to disappoint people helps shine a light on what other people’s expectations of you are.
Once you understand where you are allowing other people’s expectations to define your life, you can start to rewrite them so you can live from your own script.
Because as Rob Bell, one of my favorite spiritual teachers, says “the goal is for YOU to have the first word about your life”.
What I’ve come to realize is that life is not a one size fits all situation. There is no one right way to live.
You don’t have to live based on the expectations of others. Because the only person who defines how your life should unfold or how you should behave is YOU.
Once you get clear on what YOU expect of yourself, it will be much easier to drown out the expectations of others.
You have to find the way that is right for you, so that you can live your boldest, happiest most authentic life.
Either that or suffer the consequences of wasting your life and forever living with regret.
The choice is yours to make. What will you choose?
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