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Independence is a myth. As humans, none of us can really be independent. Independent means “not relying on another for livelihood or subsistence”. But we human beings are social creatures and inherently need each other for survival.
So even though, as a solo female traveler, I greatly value my “independence” one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned this year is how much I need other people. Although it has been uncomfortable to settle into the concept of leaning on others, it’s also been a necessary step in up-leveling my life and business.
I’ve always considered myself a hard working and independent person and took it as a point of pride to operate from this lone wolf place. I subconsciously internalized phrases like “never let em see you sweat” and had the burning desire to do it all myself. When someone asked me for help, I felt superior because, to me, asking for help was admitting weakness.
Looking back now, I see that there were several ways I distanced myself from others and “armored up” to prevent true connection.
Hiding the “real me”
I rarely let people see the real me. The me that had highs and lows, good days and bad days. I had curated this specific image of who I wanted people to see: a bubbly, sarcastic, outgoing and energetic person. If I couldn’t show up in that exact way, I didn’t want to be seen at all.
Instead of showing up on my inevitable bad days, whenever I was feeling low, I would go into hiding so I could lick my wounds privately. I flaked out on catch up sessions and phone calls with friends, canceled on coffee dates, and missed major social events. Essentially, I would retreat from the world so no one could see me as anything less than my happiest, most chipper self.
When we selectively show up like this, we prevent ourselves from being seen for who we really are and thus prevent any real connection.
Not asking for help
Another way that I isolated myself was trying to do everything alone. I didn’t know how to ask for help.
In school if I was part of a group project, I would take on most of it myself and then feel resentful of other people for their lack of contribution. In my personal life, If I ever felt overwhelmed, depressed or any other negative emotion, I would turn to meditation, journaling, or yoga. My proven self care techniques, which while healthy, also effectively isolated me from talking about my problems with other living souls. I rarely called friends or family in times of need.
By armoring up in these ways, I was avoiding any form of vulnerability but I was also preventing myself from being fully seen and thus stifling any true connection.
Why we need connection
And as human beings we are wired for connection. If we cut ourselves off from love and authentic connection we stay stuck in survival mode and can’t thrive.
Tony Robbins talks about the 6 human needs in his Ted Talk “Why We Do What We Do.” In this talk he discusses the four basic needs of the ego: certainty, variety (uncertainty), significance, and love/connection. The things is, we have to meet these four needs first before we can transcend to working on the needs of the spirit which are growth and contribution.
When we fail to meet our need for connection we stunt our own growth and prevent ourselves from really making a difference in this world.
Time for a change
My lone wolf approach to the world has begun to shift thanks to Mentor Masterclass, my life coach training program. One component of the program is a feature called sister circles. A sister circle is an intimate group of <10 women who meet virtually for 90 minutes once a week for a highly structured support session.
Each person has a given amount of time to share and can then ask for support in whatever form they desire. Sometimes I ask for reflections, feedback or accountability. Some weeks I am even more specific about what I need in that moment: “will someone just tell me I’m gonna be ok and that I can do this”.
At first, I felt so much resistance to these weekly meetings. My ego would say things like “this is a waste of time” or “what’s the point of doing this”. I’m so used to doing activities that directly move the needle or have a tangible, immediate pay-offs. But I made a firm commitment to show up for these circles and the result has been unbelievably transformative.
The power of community
Through these weekly sessions, I’ve learned how to give and receive support and how to feel into the power of community. There are times now when, as soon as I sign onto the zoom call and see my sisters’ faces, I am overwhelmed with an inexplicable feeling of love for them.
Having this weekly pep talk/ support session has pushed me to massive new heights in my business and life. Through these circles I’ve overcome my fear of pitching my paid services, have landed multiple paying clients and have started to grow my life coaching business. I am now making money doing exactly what I love.
I’ve also had the emotional support and accountability to push through some major personal changes- like taking extended breaks from drinking alcohol, committing to a self care routine and facing bouts of loneliness and homesickness as I moved halfway around the world.
This has transformed my relationships- not just within my immediate sister circle, but essentially how I relate to everyone in my life. Family, friends, people I meet when traveling etc. The skills I’ve learned in sister circle have translated to a deepening of every one of my relationships.
I’m able to take bigger risks and live more boldly in my life and business because I know I have a safety net and support system to catch me when I fall. I also just have this sense of community that permeates my everyday life. Even when I am solo traveling, I rarely feel alone anymore because I know I am always surrounded by the love and support of my community.
Additionally, I have a better idea of how to create a community and hold space for others. I know how to just ask people for what it is they need and ask people how I can support them.
Invitation to my community
The bottom line here is, we need each other. And while, in some ways we are more connected than ever in this digital world, I know a large majority of people are feeling very isolated.
I want to do my part to change that feeling of isolation into connection.
I don’t just write this post to brag about this awesome community I am now a part of. I write it as an invitation for you to join me as I create a community of solo female travelers. I am launching my FB group The Solo Traveler Sisterhood to bring the principles from my sister circle into the world of solo female travelers.
My vision is to create a place online where we can support and encourage each other as we pursue our big goals in our lives, work and travel.
So if you are looking for a greater sense of community and connection in an increasingly isolated world, I encourage you to join our group! I can’t wait to get to know you and lean into sisterhood as we transform each others lives.
