Hey my loves thanks for following along on my journey.
This post is part of my “Personal Growth” series. You can find other posts here:
- Personal Growth Update: April 2020
- Personal Growth Update: May 2020
- Darkness and Light- Personal Growth Update Feb 2022
- Becoming Unwavering- Personal Growth Update March 2022
My old identity from medicine:
When I left clinical medicine, I took some limiting beliefs and limiting identities with me without realizing it. While part of me felt free, there was another part of me that was punishing myself for leaving. A part of me that thought, because I quit being a doctor, I didn’t actually deserve to have a nice life.
Yes, I had secured myself time freedom and location freedom, but I didn’t think I deserved to also have financial abundance.
I didn’t deserve to spend more than $100/ week on accommodations (Yes, I lived like this for years!)
I didn’t deserve to have extra money left over in my bank account at the end of the month. I always had just enough to get by.
I didn’t deserve to go out to eat at nice restaurants (street food it is!)
I didn’t deserve to travel around with a checked bag. I had to live a supremely minimalistic lifestyle.
I didn’t deserve to make 6 figures in my business.
There was a part of me that thought when I gave up the title of doctor, I also gave up my chance to make a good living. On another level, I knew that was completely ridiculous. But somewhere deep in my subconscious, these beliefs remained.
Noticing my old identity
I started to notice these limiting beliefs, in subtle ways.
- It didn’t feel right to spend more than $100/ week on air bnbs, even though I was making more and more money in my business.
- I felt resentful of people I met who were living the digital nomad lifestyle, AND making good money. It was like my brain couldn’t compute the idea of location and time freedom + financial freedom.
- I worried that if I started making more money, I wouldn’t be as relatable to locals I met during my travels and my whole travel vibe would be different.
- Sometimes I felt uncomfortable when clients paid me. Like I shouldn’t actually be accepting such large sums of money for something I enjoyed doing.
These old beliefs, old thought patterns and old identities latched themselves onto my psyche and held me back as I tried to build my business. They weren’t serving me anymore. I started to feel like I was walking around in skin that was too tight. It occurred to me that the way I was currently living, was incompatible with where I wanted to go.
I couldn’t grow a successful six, figure coaching business while still living out of a 46L Osprey backpack and staying in $15/night air bnbs.
I couldn’t teach women how to embrace their worthiness, if there was still a part of ME that felt undeserving of success and happiness.
I had to release the old identity that was holding me back, and create a new one. My business depended on it. My joy and freedom depended on it.
Releasing the old identity
I decided the best way to do this was to hold a funeral for myself. More specifically to hold a funeral for the past version of myself. It would give me the opportunity to mourn the loss of my old identity and usher in a new era. Rituals and ceremonies are powerful ways to move from one season of our life to the next. Holding a funeral for myself seemed like the perfect way to step into my next season.
Here is what I did:
The funeral set up:
First I put on a black dress because I really wanted to embrace the funeral theme.
Then I set everything up. I laid out my altar full of significant items. The tarot card that someone gave me at a bar in Mexico with my fav Rumi quote on it. The Brazil and Ecuador cards I got at the Starbucks reserve in Seattle. The Queen cards taken from a beautiful deck of cards I bought in Jardin Colombia. The moon stone from an indigenous market in Ecuador.
I saged my surroundings while praying out loud to my angels and support squad. I told the universe that I am here to release all the past versions of me that are no longer serving me. That I am here to let go of all the doubts, insecurities, fears, and limiting patterns that are blocking me from the truth of who I am.
I asked the Universe to please help me and guide me to release.
Identifying what I needed to let go of
Next I turned on this playlist from Gabby Bernstein which has binaural beats. This music apparently helps to stimulate both hemispheres of your brain, and always helps me in emotional purging and processing. I got out my journal and set my phone timer for 20 minutes. I journaled on the following questions.
- What do I need to let go of?
- What is not working for me anymore?
- What parts of me need to die so that I can become a truer version of myself?
I wrote furiously for 20+ minutes about everything I needed to let go of. I said goodbye to the girl who felt unworthy of a beautiful life. To the girl who struggled with self doubt. To the girl who played small and was scared to fully embrace her gifts and potential. To the scrappy backpacker who had to struggle just to get by. To the entrepreneuer who felt like she had no idea what she was doing.
Grieving and mourning:
I eulogized her out loud. I thanked her. I told her how much I appreciated, respected and admired her. Although she struggled with self doubt, she was also brave and bold. She took big risks and she never gave up. She got me to where I am today.
And as I said thanked her and said goodbye, I was overcome with grief. I cried, I yelled into my pillow and felt a deep sorrow at losing this part of me. I wondered…. do I really have to say goodbye to her? IS that really necessary. She’s doing ok, right?
But I also know that I want more than “just ok” for my life. I want a spectacular, beautiful, magical life. I want to make a massive impact on the world. And in order to do that- I HAVE to let go of any part of me that is unwilling to play big.
I asked…. what does it mean to actually say goodbye to this version of myself. What does it mean for this version of me to die? I sat with that question in quiet meditation. Allowing the reality to sink in that this part of me was gone forever. Releasing her from my being.
I ripped out the pages in my journal where I wrote down everything I was letting go of. I set them on fire. As I watched them burn, I continued to say goodbye and thank you and started to feel a massive relief take over me.
Becoming brand new
Then it was time to create myself anew. I lit paolo santo and said a prayer to the universe.
Help me to step into my new identity.
Help me to embrace my rebirth.
Help me to embody the next level version of me.
The version of me who….
- Runs an online empire, inspiring women and getting paid to be herself unapologetically
- Lives a wildly beautiful and decadent life
- Lives in financial overflow
- Goes out and gets every. single. thing. she wants and inspires others to do the same
- Lives in her gifts and generously pours into others with an open heart
- Lives in ease, laughter, flow and connection
- Constantly expands into her ever growing potential
I prayed. I meditated. I sat with this new version of me, really trying to wrap my mind and soul around- what does it actually mean to embody a new identity.
Then I did something a little crazy. I took off my black dress. Turned on the song “Brand New” by Ben Rector and danced around in my underwear letting the lyrics seep into my psyche.
Like when I close my eyes and don’t even care if anyone sees me dancing
Ben Rector
Like I can fly, and don’t even think of touching the ground
Like a heartbeat skip, like an open page
Like a one way trip on an aeroplane
It’s the way that I feel when I’m with you, brand new
Brand new
And by the end of the song, I felt it. I felt lighter. I felt the release of who I was. I felt the expansion of who I’m becoming. I felt more myself than ever before.
I felt brand new.
I share this with you because it was one of the most powerful ceremonies I’ve ever done to date. I felt so much growth from this one hour of intentionally shedding my old skin. And I don’t want to keep all this growth to myself.
If you are ready for a change in your life. If you are sick of feeling stuck in your comfort zone, not living up to your full potential. If you need to let go of who you’ve been to become who you are meant to be, I invite you to hold your own funeral.
To identify the parts of you that need to die.
To honor and grieve the past version of yourself
To create yourself anew.
Because the world needs YOU to be the most authentic, fully expressed version of yourself.
