Why I’m Walking Away From Medicine

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This is not a story about all of the flaws in the medical training system. It is also not a story about why YOU too should quit medicine. It is not a story of someone suffering from physician burnout who decided to take a permanent vacation from life.

This is a story about how I realized I was on the wrong path and decided to set about course correcting. It is a story about being willing to listen to my unhappiness, following my intuition, and being open to wherever it leads me.

This is a story about trusting that life will unfold in my favor and ultimately, this is a story about being brave.

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Hindsight is always a crisp 20-20, and looking back I can see that I initially chose to go into medicine for the wrong reasons. My twenty year old self wanted a career path that was completely laid out in front of me, a noble profession, and lifelong job/ financial security.

Oh, and getting into medical school seemed like the most bad-ass thing I could think of at the time!

I conveniently forgot to pay attention to the fact that studying for the MCAT was the most miserable summer of my life, that I hated all of my time spent shadowing, and that I had gotten completely addicted to Adderall in order to maintain that perfect 4.0 GPA.

My four years of medical school continued on in that same vein, but in med school it is normal, even expected to be miserable. It was so easy to get in the mindset of delayed gratification.

“Of course I’m not happy right now, but it will be all worth it when…. I graduate from residency, from fellowship, I can finally be that big shot attending,…. When I retire?”

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The fourth year of medical school is commonly known as ‘the apology’ for the previous three years of hell. Between online classes, electives, and the interview trail there is plenty of room for free time.

I took full advantage of this and actually discovered a whole host of life things I enjoyed doing. I picked up hiking, hip-hop, and was finally able to deep-dive into this personal-growth and spiritual world that I had always been peripherally interested in.

I consumed a kindle library full of books by teachers such as Rob Bell, Liz Gilbert, Brene Brown and Gabby Bernstein. I binge listened to Jess Lively’s podcast The Lively Show and ended up taking two of her online courses.

Slowly, I began to experience a fairly frightening values shift. So many of my long held beliefs and principles just didn’t seem to be true for me anymore. Did it really make sense to hustle and white-knuckle my way through life? Could stressing and striving my way to an outward definition of success actually make me inwardly happy?

But then came Match Day and Graduation and the start of residency and I was able to put all of these bigger questions of purpose aside. At this point I was very practiced at putting my head down, working hard and getting through. Which is exactly what I did.

Until I couldn’t do it anymore.

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The good thing about residency is it is grueling. You regularly put in 80 hrs a week, sometimes with 24 hr shifts at a time, you receive ‘feedback’ on every aspect of your performance, and you are constantly playing catch up on all of the clinic notes and discharge summaries that you don’t actually have time to write at work.

Why was this a good thing? Because it forced me into a state of such acute discomfort and unhappiness that I HAD to make a move. I physically could not remain in that place any longer.

I hit an all time low during my GYN-Oncology rotation of my second year. At that point I was living in such a toxic place of resentment and bitterness. I would only talk to my mom on the phone for 10 minutes once a week, because that was how long I could fake a cheerful tone.

I would skip out on entire afternoons of clinic to sneak in a nap. Getting out of bed in the morning was an act of congress. I was at the end of myself.

Finally, I met with my program director to tell her where my head was at. Gracefully, she suggested I should take a personal leave of absence for the next five weeks to get some sleep, clear my head, and  ‘figure out my life’. I leapt at this idea; it sounded like a breath of fresh air.

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I would like to tell you that those five weeks of leave were an agonizing decision making process. That I was making pro-con lists, endlessly googling “jobs for people who quit residency”, and talking to everyone under the sun to get their input.

But that is not what happened.

I slept a TON. I went on long walks outside in nature. I journaled. I practiced yoga and meditation. I listened to podcasts. I went on an epic campervan tour of Utah’s National Parks. I celebrated my 27th birthday. I mourned the loss of my Grandmother, the strong, independent,  matriarch of our family.

Somewhere along the way, the decision just arrived, ready-made. I didn’t force it, I didn’t overthink it. I woke up one morning and just knew: I couldn’t go back to residency.

After making that monumental decision, all of the other pieces started to fall naturally in place.

I signed a contract saying I would work for 90 more days (part-time so I could start working on this blog!). I ended my lease for my apartment and made arrangements to move in with my Pittsburgh cousins to save money on rent. I started applying to teach English in South Korea.

My short term plans are to teach English abroad while I get my online empire up and running. My long term goals are to be a travel blogger and life coach while digital nomad-ing my way around the world.

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Although I do have moments of overwhelming and paralyzing fear about this unchartered path, when that fear passes, I feel a deep sense of peace that I am finally headed in the right direction.

I am so excited to watch as this new chapter of my life unfolds and I hope you’ll stick along for the ride.

I also hope that sharing my story empowers you with these two takeaways:

• That it is ok to walk away from something that is not serving you. Even if you have invested five years in that thing. Even if you have invested $100,000+  in that thing. Life is too short, ya know?
• That there is no “safe” path. There is no safety in an unfulfilling life. Even a path that is financially secure, is not safe for your emotional well-being, if it is full of unhappiness.

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If you are currently struggling in the medical field or any other field, feeling burnout and exhausted and wondering if you are on the right career path, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

You don’t have to go through this alone. You don’t have to suffer alone.

Send me an email directly at chelsea@theturquoisetraveler.com or sign up for a free consultation call about finding work you love.

If you are not ready to reach out and want a free resource to help you create clarity in your career. Click below to download my Find Work You Love Blueprint.

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