Recently I’ve been reflecting on why I’m so happy I quit medicine. Maybe it’s because I’m coming up on my 4 year “leave-a-versary” (yes, that’s a thing.) Maybe it’s because I’m about to start a 4 month Remote Year adventure through Africa, which has been on my bucket list since I made the decision to leave medicine. Or maybe it’s because I just finished reading Eat Pray Love for the 100th time.
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Reading Eat Pray Love is something that I do every year as I travel the world. It’s a grounding thing for me. There comes a time every year, where it’s just time to read it again. Where I’m ready to read through her journey from another year older and wiser. I do the same thing with all seven books of Harry Potter. (As someone who is single, sober and self employed, I have a TON of time on my hands).
What’s so interesting to me is that I actually read Eat Pray Love in high school when it first came out cerca 2007. One of my best friends mom’s was getting a divorce and she read the book, passed it onto my friend who then passed it on to me. I don’t remember it truly “rocking my world” at that time, but I wonder if it planted some seeds even back then of one day solo traveling the world.
The past two times I’ve read Eat Pray Love, this one passage in the final chapter has stood out to me and given me goosebumps and I want to take some time here to reflect on it. It’s this passage about the forces that shape us and bring us to where we are today. It’s about growing into the person we’ve always wanted to become. It has an element of time travel and destiny and alternate realities that is so fasinating to me.
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Here is what Liz Gilbert writes in the book.
The Zen Buddhists say that an oak tree is brought into creation by two forces at the same time. Obviously, there is the acorn from which it all begins, the seed which holds all the promise and potential, which grows into the tree. Everybody can see that. But only a few can recognize that there is another force operating here as well — the future tree itself, which wants so badly to exist that it pulls the acorn into being, drawing the seedling forth with longing out of the void, guiding the evolution from nothingness to maturity. In this respect, say the Zens, it is the oak tree that creates the very acorn from which it was born.”
Liz Gilbert
So why does this speak to me so much and what does this have to do with the fact that I’m happy I quit medicine?
To me, there is this sense of inevitability to where I am right now. In some ways, I feel like I was always meant to grow into this version of me that I am now.
The version of me who, as I am writing this is sitting on my rooftop balcony on a Greek island, overlooking the ocean and watching the sunset. The version of me who gets to spend her days reading, and journaling and podcasting and being outside and meeting new people. The version of me who connects with people all over the world every day helping them to find and pursue their authentic purpose. The version of me who is so wildly happy I quit medicine.
This version of me feels like…. of course she was meant to happen. How could she not exist? This version of me feels so right. But then, I look back to just four years ago, when this version of me was just a tiny little speck of a possibility. Someone who wanted to be born, but was continually being suppressed.
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For years, I kept going back and forth between who I was destined to be and who I was comfortable being. I was comfortable being unhappy, resentful and exhausted. I was comfortable working so many hours and being so busy that I didn’t have time to sit with myself. I was comfortable following the well worn path of medicine even though it felt like my soul was dying. I was comfortable numbing out and distracting myself so I didn’t have to be present. Essentially I was comfortable in medicine. I wasn’t happy there, but I did feel a level of comfort in my unhappiness.
But there were other forces at play too.
I had this longing to be outside. Being outside felt like “the wide places” for me. I started solo hiking and solo camping during residency. In these moments of being alone in nature I started having these experiences of divinity. This sense that life is so much bigger than the four walls of the hospital.
I had this longing for connection to something greater. I set up a cute little meditation corner in my studio apartment in Pittsburgh. Complete with a miniature buddha head and everything. In this corner I began my relationship with The Universe and My Intuition. I read books, prayed and wrote in my journal. I sat in meditation and was able to experience a sense of peace, a sense of union within myself. I didn’t do it everyday, and the sense of peace was very fleeting, but it was enough of a start.
I had this longing to travel and explore the world. On my weekends off I watched every single travel documentary available on Netflix. I read travel blogs, I looked at pictures of far away places. I felt them whisper to me, calling to me. I knew that there was something for me out there although I couldn’t quite articulate what.
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These moments started to create an opening and expansion for myself to where one day…. I couldn’t go back. One day, the idea of going back to the hospital felt so stifling, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I had to set myself free.
I had to honor these longings. I had to follow this pull.
And now as I look back at the thread of my life, I wonder if those longings came from ME. From THIS version of me.
From the oak tree version of me that longed to be expressed.
This version of me who knew how much growth and enchantment and fullness and pure LIFE was available to her.
This version of me who knew how much her heart would crack open along the journey.
This version of me who was so ready to EXIST that she couldn’t not exist anymore.
And so she created these longings.
So undeniable that I had to listen.
She created a pull so strong that even from the depths of comfort zone, even from the fast track to traditional success that I was on…. I could feel the pull.
And eventually I chose to listen.
And I’m so happy I listened to the pull of my longings. I’m so happy I quit medicine. I’m so happy I started on the path of becoming who I am today.
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So I wonder for you, what are the things you long for?
Do you long for peace? For uninterrupted time in quiet and stillness? Do you long to travel and be outdoors? Do you long to read? Do you long to connect more deeply with your friends and family? Do you long to express your creativity more directly?
Because I guarantee you, these longings are not random.
These longings are likely the oak tree version of you, trying to create a pull strong enough to jolt you out of your comfort zone.
And it’s up to you to listen to the longings. It’s up to you to answer the call.
XO, Coach Chels
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This series is part of my Personal Growth Update series which I write on an kind of monthly basis. If you like this style of post, here are some other personal growth updates.
